Horsemen (2009)
Rated: R
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Ziyi Zhang
Directed by: Jonas Akerlund

Not Recommended

In a Word: Ludicrous

Plot: A platter full of human teeth is found by a hunter and his dog Four trees (east, west, north, south) around the platter have the phrase “Come and See” written in blood. Police call in homicide detective, and dental expert, Aiden Breslin, to help with the case. Breslin, who lost his wife three years previous, is still bitter and emotionally withdrawn from his two sons (really, really, really withdrawn). He basically lives for his job. Soon, there are two other murders. One a mother of three, killed in her own home. The other a school teacher, killed in a hotel. Each victim is hung into an elaborate device where they are hooked, though the skin, and hoisted in the air. They are tortured for a time, then pierced through the lung and allowed to “drown” in their own blood. Each murder scene has the phrase “Come and See”, written at the four compass points. Detective Breslin determines that there are four killers and they have taken the personas of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (well, kind of). They are here to bring about the End Times. One horseman is found murdered, another is apprehended by police and a third commits suicide. Breslin rushes to find the fourth before their nefarious plans can come to fruition.

Thoughts: It’s sad when a movie has a really nifty idea, and no frakking clue what to do with it. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse angle is an interesting one, yet nothing is done with it. Hell, they don’t even get the concept right. The killers may call themselves the Four Horsemen, but they don’t kill people according to their “Horsemen” personas – they simply use elaborate suspension devices. Kind of hard to indicate “famine” when you’re piercing, hanging and stabbing someone. Nothing is adequately explained. The “surprise” ending has no surprise at all, since it was telegraphed from the beginning. The acting is terrible. The directing is bad. Worst of all, there are SO many plot holes and sheer stupidity you’re left laughing by the end of the film. I was hoping for some sort of supernatural thriller (which might have worked), instead it’s obvious that the filmmakers were trying to mimic “Se7en”, and failed miserably.

Spoilers: Here are some of the many plot holes in this film – How did these four people (three of them basically teenagers), transport these elaborate torture contraptions around town? How come no one saw them dragging the equipment into the elevator at the hotel? Yes, the survalence tapes were erased, but surely someone saw four people dragging a bunch of hooks and chains around the lobby? Come to think of it, how did the horsemen erase the tape? Why does Kristen, who was adopted at a very young age and grew up in America, still have a thick Chinese accent? How does Cory, a nurses aide, know how to stab people in just the right spot to make them drown in their own blood? Granting the insane notion that Breslin hadn’t walked into his eldest son’s room in three years, how come he didn’t smell the paint fumes when Alex painted everything in it white? How did Alex get the last torture contraption to the theater when he doesn’t own a car? How did he hoist himself up in the contraption? How is he broadcasting his suicide on-line at an abandoned theater? And lastly – why is Alex so mad at his father not paying attention to him, when he’s the one orchestrating the killings that are keeping his father at work? Hey, idiot, you want your dad to stay home and take you to a game, stop killing people! Apparently the moral of this story is – hug your kids, or they will immediately turn into sociopaths.

If you liked this movie try: Se7en; Silence of the Lambs; The Cell