Friday the 13tth (2009)
Rated: Unrated (uncut edition)
Starring: Jared Padalecki and Danielle Panabaker (a.k.a. machete fodder)
Directed by: Marcus Nispel

Not Recommended

In a word: Pointless

Plot: Jason Voorhees kills stupid college kids. A lot of stupid college kids. The end.

Thoughts (and a more detailed plotline with spoilers): Jason kills a bunch of campers, taking one of them hostage (Whitney - she looks like his mom). He drags her back to Camp Crystal Lake, where he has built a huge, underground lair. I wonder where he gets the electricity to light the whole, damn camp, including he subterranean tunnels. I wouldn’t want to be the lackey at the Electric Company who gets to open that payment. The cops determine that the kids done r-u-n-n-o-f-t, and give up the search. I’m betting they didn’t bother to look at the decrepit, abandoned camp near the lake – that would make sense. A couple of months later, Whitney’s brother, Clay, comes into town looking for her. He has nifty “have you seen me” leaflets and everything. Of course, the local police tell him to get lost, they already closed the case and he should man up and forget he ever had a sister. Clay is not to be deterred, however, and goes door to door – or rather white trash hovel to white trash hovel. During his search, he meets the next batch of victims – a bunch of college kid. I know, shocking!. They are, as follows: Trent (The Asshole), Jenna (The Girlfriend), Bree (The Slut), Chewie (The Token Asian), Lawrence (The Token Black), Nolan (The Beach Bum), and Chelsea (The One Who Got Paid the Most to Take Her Top Off). Seems Trent’s parents have a luxurious lake house on Crystal Lake. I’m sure the land was cheap, considering the massacre and the general hillbilly atmosphere. Trent hates Clay. Jenna likes Clay. General dickishness ensues, resulting in Jenna going off with Clay to find his sister. Jason decides it’s a good day for a massacre. So he says goodbye to Whitney (who is chained in his lair), kills a local pothead, steals his trademark hockey mask, and quickly dispatches Nolan and Chelsea. Jason then goes on to kill Chewie, Lawrence, the local sheriff, Bree (oh, wait, I think Trent killed Bree…oh, who cares!), Trent and finally Jenna. It’s a really good thing that everywhere in the county is a five-minute walk for Jason or he’d never get anything accomplished! Clay rescues Whitney, they mash Jason face into a stump grinder and then drag his body down to the lake for a burial at sea. Why? Well, so Jason can pop back up and kill Whitney, of course.

Why was this film made? It isn’t a remake of the original, because Jason’s Mom dies in the first 5 minutes. It isn’t a continuation of the Jason mythos (if you can call it that), because he isn’t in space…or was it hell…I can’t remember where we left Jason. None of these characters (or their deaths) are memorable, the plot makes little sense (really, Camp Crystal Lake must have been the best stocked camp EVER, having a couple decades worth of food, paper goods and light bulbs!). Marcus Nispel, the director, also directed the 're-imagining' of Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2003.  All he is doing is making the original films look better by comparison - and considering the subject matter, that's doesn't bode well for Nispel.  

If you like this try: Any other Jason film – there are way too many to choose from.